Ah. Such a non-productive/peaceful day. I don't know why I keep writing like someone else than my friends reads this nonsence, but what the hell. Guess that's the point of having a journal.

I made more icons. Just because.

( Gackt icons, obviously )

And I uploaded some songs from Spider-man 2 OST (and I even ripped them myself, omg). I was feeling quite nostalgic and just couldn't shake it off. The music helped, though it makes me remind things I shouldn't be remembering. It feels like this time is different, if you catch what I'm implying. This time I'm just remembering, not thinking I've failed.

Life does go on, after all. Believe or not, you can live without things you thought were like oxygen for you.

These songs aren't quite my cup of tea musically speaking, but the lyrics transmit so much to me. And I think that's what make a song a good one. Now that I think about it, that's the principle I've been using to choose songs to post anyway. So scratch this.

Somebody else by Bleu

( It's okay to be just me )

Ordinary by Train

( Can you save me from this world of mine )

Hold on by Jet

( For you to belong to... )

Well, enough, I'm stopping right here. I could upload almost every single song of this OST. I'm disgusting.

I'm bored. Don't have the exam this Friday. So here you go. This is almost cheating because I only used... 3 pictures? If I can find HQ screencaps of Flower I'll remake Gackt ones. But God, I couldn't wait, I had to do something with that face.

( No teaser, I'm lazy )

I was going to post something cheerful this afternoon, but I refrained from doing it because I had to finish summing up my Mental Health notes. I'm supposed to have an exam on July 3rd but since all swine flu madness I'm not really sure. There's 50% chance I'm going to get up at 5 in the morning just for nothing. But anyway. I'm not complaining about that. Yet.

My mum bought chinese food for dinner. Yay for that, my sister and I love it. However, things started to get tense when I asked her to lay the table and she yelled she couldn't find one of her chinese chopsticks. I glared at her, went to the kitchen, found the freaking chopstick and gave it to her. Even though she already had what she needed, she kept hitting the dishes and things while laying the table. Said table is a glass one, so I warned her, "stop doing that, you're gonna break it!" and she just screamed, "I HIT WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT, SO SHUT UP!". I rolled my eyes, breathed and answered, "are you going to buy another table? Do you have a job?". Things just kept escalating from that. God. She even said I prefer the dog over her. At that point I had the food trapped right in the middle of my throat, so I chose to laugh at her comment as well as my mum. Wrong call. She got up with teary eyes and was going back to our bedroom, yelling. I stopped her by the wrist, saying she was being irrational. We struggled for a bit, then she slammed her hand at mine. Mum said it was enough, so I released her. A couple of minutes later I realized I had a bright red mark of her hand on mine. It hurts, but what hurts the most is knowing there's something going on and she won't tell me a single word about it. I talk with her about my life to let her know she can do the same but there's no use. There's none. She always repeats to me, "you're my sister, not my friend". And I wish... even as her sister, that she could know she can trust me. That I can help her someway or at least try. If she lets me. Which she won't.

This is not the first time she has these outbursts. But it's the first time she have beaten me. Honestly, I'm kind of sick of the teenage crap. I was being nice.

Well. This is the last entry before July 3rd because I really have to study. Like... reaaally. But since I feel rather pathetic between my lack of focus and my red nose, I posted a song. I have it since a long time ago but just this week I told my sister, "hey... we should listen more of them".

Alibi by SID (translation from futatsu_sekai)

( There was nothing dramatic )

Today I had a pretty lousy morning. I mean, really. The only way it have been worse would have involved me getting hit by a car.

I went to the National Registry of Persons. Or whatever. The place you go so you can legally live in this country. I had to go alone because my mum was working so it was quite a success to get to the place without getting lost, considering I totally suck at finding streets and buildings.

Where is it the bad part in this? It took me THREE HOURS to get there. Yeah. Why? Well. I took a bus, then the subway. But the subway wasn't working in the station I was so I went out, took another bus to another station just to get there and heard that it just wasn't working anymore in any station. I looked at my wallet. I had money, but just not enough for a cab. Therefore I waited. Then they said the subway was going to work with a limited service. Translation? The station where I need to go wasn't in schedule. So I went out again, walked across the street looking for a cab. I froze for half an hour, or more, until I could get into one and finally arrived to the Registry.

Since I was so freaking late (I was supposed to get there at eight, not at ten) I had to wait another three hours in the line. When they finally called my number, I realized that a paper was missing in my folder. I texted mum asking for it. She answered me, "I forgot it sweetie, see what you can do without it, sorry, kisses". She had prepared the folder last night, and I really had no clue of what I needed until I saw some of the people's papers. So it wasn't my fault. Though I could have asked her about the papers, I guess.

It turned out I missed a class just for nothing. And that I have to miss another one next week because of the same reason. I was so pissed off when I got home that I almost start crying after my sister asked me if I was okay. But I breathed in and out, and I feel slightly better now, I'm just thinking I haven't got the best of lucks lately.

That's it. I need a new layout. I love Ciruelo, but this monochrome stuff is driving me crazy.

I've got today the Biochemistry mark from last monday. And guess what~

I'VE GOT A FREAKING 10!

Anyway. I'm off to study and pay some bills first. My throat hurts and I'd like to bloody eat something (I haven't had lunch yet...), but what the hell. I'm at the top of the world right now. And I'll be for a few hours, I assume.

P.S.: Gackt's new single is kinda-- no, like REALLY electronic (at least the first track). I didn't find it ugly, though. My sister's laughing behind me because she says I'm not capable of thinking "ugly" and "Gackt" in the same sentence. The second song (Father's Day) is a lot more like him.

Well. I'm kinda back. I've just arrived from my first exam. It wasn't easy, but it wasn't so hard either so I'm not particularly nervous about the result. I think I would have done a better job - and it's not a lame excuse, trust me - if I just had... *drum rolls* a freaking table to work on it!

Yes, folks, you read right. We didn't have tables. Teachers allowed us to use a notebook to write on it. Oh so kind of them! God, I was really mad at the fact. For a moment, I couldn't even remember the most simple equation. It took me almost fifteen minutes to calm down. And it was a really long exam, so I felt I needed every second to solve it correctly.

I ended up finishing quickly anyway. My eyes were burning - guess what? the lights sucked too -, my back hurt, my stomach was claiming for water or food or both (it was 4 o'clock and I had lunch at 12 and I have to eat every 3 hours if I don't want to hear it complaining). So I answered everything without thinking even twice and strode to the exit. I went to buy a couple of Physiology photocopies and the man that was attending looked at me in a sort of... rude manner?

I thought, "screw you if you want me to smile or something. I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm hungry, give me the bloody books already", but the kind gentleman made me wait until he had ready the copies I asked for.

And... why am I talking about that? God. Nevermind. I think I just don't have anything to talk about.

I'll be online during this week, I think. At least a couple of hours per day. And yes, it's a message for you, darling.

It's been a while since the last time I uploaded something. I'm not bored, but I think it is a good way of saying goodbye to this. Here's the song. As you may have guessed, it is kind of sad. But somewhat soothing, too.

Passing afternoon by Iron & Wine

( There are names across the sea... )

Finally the exams period has come. That means I'll be off for at least two weeks in a row. I'm not particularly pissed off about it, mostly because I have nothing to do online. Nothing that requires more than half an hour per day, at least. I'd be happy if I actually understand what I'm studying though. I feel quite lost at this point. I guess it's because it's just the beginning of the year, the first tests, the first everything. I'm still feeling so... well... insecure. Idiotic might be right too.

Anyway. I'll probably be online tomorrow night. Or during Friday, depends on my mood. But from the weekend on that won't be a possibility even if I want it to be.

Oh. I left my number on a pet's shop in case they find a puppy that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. I don't expect them to actually call, but... I am desperate, yeah.

In response to ljmoony's challenge. I don't really like this kind of memes, but since I'm already on my way to bed and it's Satoshi we're talking about, I'll make an exception. Besides, I'm in debt to him. Today Satoshi really made my day, perhaps with something really simple, but he did. I desperately needed to feel again.

1. Do you like this person?
Yes. I like him since the first time I heard his voice, it took me long enough to get more than one song and to know more about him and Girugamesh, but once I did it was love indeed. The way Satoshi writes and the subjects he chooses stand out because he doesn't expect people to like him unlike most of composers nowadays. He's very young and have accomplished a lot despite of it being Girugamesh vocalist and being himself. Which is basically the same thing, I think that's why he melds so well with Girugamesh and separate it from the rest of j-rock bands. He's very good-looking as a plus. I love his lips. And his neck. And his legs, and his... *cough* on to the next question!

2. How do you call this person?
Satoshi, Sato-chan, Chocoratito/Chocoratitou (thanks to ljmoony and one of her marvelous stories), Mr. Pessimist (with love ♥).

3. Which color do you associate with this person?
Dark ones. Mainly purple, navy blue, black. The color of the shirt he was wearing in shining tour (don't know if was red or brown because of the lights) really suited him and now when I see something of that color, it reminds me of the concert. The first real Girugamesh live I could watch (and melt doing so).

5. Looking at his/her character, what blood type do you think he/she have?
I don't really know anything about characters and what they have to do with blood types. Spare my life? I don't believe in generalities. I think he is type 0, though. Don't know if that's what makes him so dork and homo and hungry (again, with love ♥), but I sort of doubt it haha.

6. What do you want to tell that person?
Thank you, mostly. Thank you for being who he is, for the messages he sends with his lyrics and the melody in his voice that transmits so many things even to people who don't speak japanese. Even his yells are full of feelings, I like to joke about how he's the only one who can scream in that tearing-soul way. I say it seriously, though.

7. What do you want to do with this person: hug, kiss or shake hands?
Mmh~ iiinteresting question. I'll conform with a hug and a kiss on the cheek. That doesn't mean I wouldn't like to do other things, though.

8. Pick five of your friends and pick one person for them:
I don't have enough friends to tag and I'm not sure the ones I have want to do this twice.

It's hard to study anything without a strong self-esteem. Yeah, you don't say!

Well, it's never easy to notice that along with the fact that you yourself havent' exactly got a good one. I've been attending to class, reading the stuff we're supposed to read, doing the freaking exercises every class all the way thinking, "Am I doing it right? Should I double the hours of study? Am I behind already? Am I not smart enough to do this?". I kind of missed the subject of last year, where all you have to do was memorize things, not understand them.

A couple of days ago mum was talking to... who knows, the point is she said, "Yes, my daughter is very happy with her career". And I stopped what I was doing just to inner wonder, "Am I?". After brooding a bit, I couldn't deny some part of that sentence was true. I am not happy, but I'm not contemplating changing of career as I used to. Actually, the idea of being a doctor in the future doesn't bother me anymore.

But, just as always, I'm doing everything half-heartedly. I study counting the pages there are left to finish so I can do other things afterward - such as nothing. I get sick of it before even starting to read it and when I'm done I feel some sort of morbid relief.

I can't keep on like this, not if I want to really learn what I need to. If I want to be a good doctor and not one that can't figure out most of the patients' problems and said that it's psychosomatic when it's something entirely different.

I'm aware of it. The issue is... I'm afraid of failing even if put all of my being into it. That's why I've been doing things the fastest way I could, that's why I literally ignore my thoughts 99% of time.

Why would I listen to them if everything inside of me just claims for things I'm not even sure I deserve? To bitter myself? To feel pity of myself? No. I've been there already. It doesn't help. But thinking I'm not an interesting person or a funny one, not even a nice one, doesn't help either. Not when I don't know what else to change about myself without touching what makes me who I am.

Now, who the hell I am, that would be good to know.

And missing things, presences, companies I do not longer have doesn't solve anything either.

I guess I'm going to adopt a dog (???). Yeah, I know it has nothing to do with this. It'd be nice, though, to have a pair of eyes looking at me with inconditional love. Love that I can return without fear.


I can't hide my heart's wavering
Or the feeling of longing
The echoing clock, I can't fill up
The empty time

My heart and feelings dampen as if pounded by the rain
How far will they sink?

I say goodbye, a signal to start
In order to leave behind completely
No matter how many times I close my eyes, they won't disappear
The memories of the past

Pressing close to the window
Unable to stop my tears from falling
As if remembering

I won't think of you forever
But this love was the greatest story

Even if this moment and you are stolen from me

The time with you was spent half in a dream

Memories of being surrounded by love
Feeling as if it would last forever
It won't return, will it?

The sights you showed me, fairies and paintings
I'll pack them into this unopenable box
And leave it unlocked.

A meme, folks, not stolen from ljmoony but from starof_earendil. Yes, I can't believe it either, but what the hell. It's okay if you don't answer immediately, I'm aware you have a life so I won't get mad. Besides, I'm just bored.

( I almost ran out of fandoms D: )

This morning, for the first time in a while - a really big while - I wope up on my own. I noticed that I was dreaming before being entirely conscious and opened my eyes. I looked at the ceiling and the blurry colours of the wall beside my bed - they're posters, but I don't see a damn without my glasses, so at that hour they were nothing but blots.

There was something I could perfectly see, though. Something from the dream I was having. Better yet, someone.

"Daddy", I said hugging his neck and looking up, "you're here. Are you happy?".

He smiled as the only answer. Then I looked around and saw my mum and sister just as cheerful as we were. We were all in this very tiny apartment as if didn't matter anymore. As if my dad had came by to visit us finally. As if he had missed us for real and didn't care he had to cross a mountain chain in order to see his daughters.

I do miss him. Perhaps at the beginning when we talked on the phone I'd said it just to keep up appearences, but it became true in the end.

It's such a shame that I'm not capable of telling him, though. Even if I had the guts, he wouldn't believe me. I know he wouldn't. He'd think I want something especially expensive.

Edit: thank you, Choi Siwon, for remembering me that there're hypocrites everywhere and you are another one of them after all.

So... this weekend was almost entirely non-productive. I had a cold and tons of study to catch up with and you don't need to be a genius to know that's not a good combination of elements.

But anyway. I tried to not being too hard with myself. When I felt like sleeping, I did, when I wanted to talk with my sister or watch something on the TV with mum I did, when I wanted to read a fanfic or just look at the ceiling, I did... and now, yes, I feel guilty.

I really don't have a clue on how I'm going to do this year. The subjects are tougher, we get someone to explain us the basics if we're lucky. If not, well... we can always go listen to someone who talks like we know it all. That's not the best of ways for calming one's nervous breakdown, though.

I'm gonna try to get more books and to pay more attention during lessons. Don't know if that's gonna help, but it's not like I have another choice.

In other news (?), I dyed my hair today. It turned out slightly darker than how I wanted. But at least this time it's really brown.

The Hollow Men by T.S. Eliot (fragment)

( Between... )

Yesterday I came across a classmate from two years ago. When I saw him I didn't know what to do, because I did remember him but I wasn't sure if he did. Amazingly enough, he recognized me and even remembered my name. We talked for about... three minutes haha. He was in a hurry because he had to go to a class. I tried to advice him something (he's a year bellow than me because he failed a subject) but I didn't have time to do it properly. He seemed pretty surprised to see me as I am now, I guess because I don't wear black anymore and I'm more... happy? (in words of my sister). He said while waving goodbye, "I'm glad to see you! You've changed a lot!" and left me thinking, "Have I?".

When I got home (at 9 pm. Mondays and Tuesdays are a nightmare, I have to stay all day at college) I told about what happened to my mum and my sister and they both laughed. Like, hard. They said my classmate was right. I honestly don't recall being so much different, but then again, I can't recall a lot of things.

Time goes by so fast. And lately I tend to think that's something good. I'm looking forward to seeing the end of this year and the next one, and the one following that... and...

I want autumn. And I want it now. It's almost April but it's freaking 30ºC at MIDNIGHT! C'mon... give me a break.

Gackt, I hate summer. Specially when it seems it'll never end.

A random statement first. Classes've started once again. Every time I remember I'm in second year now (third, actually, but it's sort of complicated to explain and even I don't quite get it), I got stuck thinking, "time passes so fast..." and "I'm really doing it".

I've been reading a lot today, so I won't say much because the super tiny letters of the books are taking its toll on my eyes haha and I guess I'll have to go to sleep anyway.

I've just downloaded a shonen-ai manga because the boys on the cover were extremely handsome (so typical of me). As the pages went on and on, I realized the situation between the main characters hit a nerve on me. They were basically best friends who lost contact for 3 years for reasons I'm not willing to detail right now (besides, it'll ruin the manga for someone who didn't read it... I guess). During a scene one of the boys said really harsh things to the other, and every written word was like a punch not only for his former friend but for me as well. I kept reading regardless of that and it sorta solves a bit, so it's not so angst as I'm putting it.

It's funny the way all around me whisper friendship and nostalgia these days. I've been thinking so much about Claudia, even though everything is practically doomed between us and she haven't answered my last e-mail. And tonight my mum talked with my godmother, her best friend from primary school. She sounded so cheerful and thankful. For the briefest of moments I thought, "maybe the phone isn't a bad thing after all, if it can give people these kind of opportunities". I know it's an obvious, ridiculous thought but hey. I hate the goddamn machine. Give me some credit (?).

Well, this is obviously not the complete OST. That'd take ages to upload. These are just my favourite instrumental songs. In order to download them, you can either go to my 4shared folder or follow the individual links I'm going to put here.

Warning: they're all very emotional, except for Warriors Suite, the theme of the Juppon Katana, and The War of the Last Wolves.

( Direct links under the cut )