AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH.

I think I've never been so nervous about a final. Anatomy was intense, too, but... I don't know.

I'm kinda glad, though, because one way or another this is going to end. And I need it to end, I can't stand the pressure for any longer. Sweets and coffee aren't doing their magic anymore, I'm constantly asking for hugs and kisses from my mum and my sister. My sister laughs and pats my head several times during the day. So lame haha.

Worst thing is, I'm still getting distracted. God. And today when I checked my email I had 30 new messages. All LJ alerts. I don't have time to check them, so I marked them as read, even though they are not XD. Heck. I'm tired. And it's just morning.

I'm giving birth a child.

Seriously.

Its name is...

Biochemistry Final.

At least 4 or 5 days in a row, starting the day of the first part of the exam, which is multiple choice and/or written.

...

ARE YOU SERIOUS?!

Man. Is this a final or a thesis? I mean, I knew it was hard. I knew that I was going to be busy for 3 days, but 5, as in F-I-V-E-- it can't be.

But it turns out it can, so this is my brand new schedule for this month:

December 9th -> Mental Health Final
December 16th -> Biochemistry Final

I wanted to do the opposite, so I could rest from 16th to New Year, buuut... obviously, I can't prepare a final, even an easy one, in just one day. Even if I don't sleep at all, it isn't enough time to even read everything one time.

So, I'll see you guys after December 20th, if I'm lucky.

And yes, I'm pissed.

God. Another wasted day. I'm in such a dork, cheerful, nonchalant mood lately that I can't take anything seriously. And I have a freaking final in less than 2 weeks! Usually, I'd be hitting my head against the wall for spending so many time doing nothing useful, but now I'm thinking that I want to eat dinner early because I'm starving (?). It's kinda creepy 'cause I really tend to be a mess when I'm about to have an important exam like this one.

I'm not... or maybe I am... too confident about the final. I shouldn't be. I've got time to re-read everything I need, I think. What's the problem then? I CAN'T FOCUS! All I can think is, "uhm, I want to check my e-mail, maybe fictional_shade answered me, maybe ljmoony did"... but I've been stuck in this page since 2 hours ago... but I want to..." and so on.

I need a punch. Like, quickly. I promise I won't go to sleep today until I finish reading what I was supposed to read.

Seriously. I've got a bunch of stuff I don't listen to therefore sometimes, like this one, I find a song that it's really nice. Even soothing. Anyway, what I meant with the crappy analogy was that I tend to not pay attention to a lot of things going on around me. I don't do it on purpose, it's just... I don't know, I hate being like this. And then, even if I do see what there is to see, I forget about it in the twinkling of an eye. It's really difficult for me to focus on something that has nothing to do with my career, it's been always like this. I read books without really learning something from them, I listen to music without really hearing it, just to fill up the blank.

What I meant was that I am a mess just like my Music Folder. There are things that have been ignored, forgotten, kicked even, all of them not organized.

That's the way I feel since exams finished. I still have one on Friday, but I don't give a damn about the subject (Mental Health), I'll start studying today or at least I'll try to because I haven't been reading for classes and I need more time because of that. I have to start preparing my Biochemistry final too. It's in a month (literally, on December 9th).

Today I feel better. Yesterday was a calm, peaceful day. I watched Sailor Moon with my sister and finished reading The Days of the Shadow. During Saturday I really missed her, she was at home but sleeping haha. Really, she slept until six o'clock of the afternoon because she had a party the night before. I couldn't watch R&R II because she told me she wanted to watch it with me and now I'm waiting for the both of us to match up our time. I hate it because I was so eager to watch the concert but couldn't find peace at my freaking home to sit and enjoy it. I'd wish the computer was in my room, but it isn't, so...

I'm writing this here because you two (ljmoony  and fictional_shade ) asked me how I was doing and I'm still not feeling good enough to write a decent e-mail to you. I'm sorry. You're so sweet with me and I don't even reply your e-mails in time. And then I wonder why I don't have any friends (here, I mean). I know I'm not making much sense, so I apologize for that too.

On Saturday I was looking at the ceiling in my dark room. My sister was sleeping below me, I could hear her breathing. Before, I was listening something on my mp4. Since the screen doesn't work anymore I can't choose the songs and I was so moody that even though that wasn't new, it made me angry, so I turned it off. I thought I needed to go out, because the air in my house was smothering me, but I couldn't even get up from my bed. I remembered what Gackt wrote in his blog about laughing, but couldn't find something to laugh. It was the lack of something what was bothering me and laughing at the emptiness was too hard for me. I knew it, though, that I wasn't happy. I was just trying to deny it by having something else in mind. The silence that day didn't let me ignore the fact anymore and I hated myself for being such a wimp again. If being at home was the problem, why the fuck couldn't I get up and go somewhere? If the emptiness was driving me crazy why the fuck couldn't I write the letter I want to write to ljmoony  and "talk" to her just as she was here with me? It's helped before, so why not? Why not? I didn't know. I don't know. I spent all the weekend like that, I couldn't even shower. My mum was worried because I didn't want to eat either. I told her I have a cold-- but it was just partially true. The whole truth was that I wasn't hungry, wasn't following Gackt's words as I said I was going to, wasn't... doing anything I was supposed to do. At all. I was nothing.

What has changed today? I don't know. I got up without thinking about the act itself. I thought, "I have to go to college to see my marks". I realized that to have a reason to get out of bed was what I needed, perhaps. I'll ask my sister when she arrives from school if she wants to go to China town and try to not fall in that trap again.

And-- I think that's it. Oh! I got a 9 in Physiology and Biochemistry. My mum got more excited about it than me. As usual.

So, I know. I'm avoiding to post something other than memes, but what the hell. I'm tired, my brain doesn't process difficult activities such as summing up what has been going on in my life. Besides, every time I feel like writing my sister is sitting here or my mum is, or there's too much noise. The Universe doesn't want me to post, apparently (sure, that's why).

A letter meme · comment and I'll give you a letter; then you have to list ten things you LOVE that begin with that letter. Afterwards, post this in your journal and give out letters of your own.

ljmoony gave me C. Let's see (it sounds funny) if I manage to write something with it. And I know you didn't do it on purpose, but the first person that comes to my mind isn't someone that I can list anymore.

1 · CLAMP: one of my favourite mangaka groups. I wish I could buy more of their work though. For example, I can't finish with Clover yet and they're just 4 volumes *looks at her empty wallet* c'mon.
2 · Cube: song by Gackt, b-side of Kimi no tame ni dekiru koto. Every time I hear it, it moves something inside me. Most of his songs does, but Cube lyrics really touch me. Boku no kokoro ga miemasu ka? (and would it be cheating if I name Crescent as the next thing? *she knows it would* goddamn it!)
3 · Criminal Minds: I've been pretty obsessed with the show lately. I've felt for all the male characters, they're different, but tender and wise and manly in their own way; Reid, Morgan, Hotch, even Rossi (HAHAHA! I know, the last isn't exactly what you can say sexy, but it's like a father figure to me). I couldn't pick just one.
4 · Chase: I know you are completely clueless about my neverending love for him. I know, so I'm telling you now. I love him ♥. Not only for his looks, his entire character makes me melt. I'm glad he's going to go back for this season for more than 10 seconds per episode.
5 · Colfer, Eoin: he's the author of a series of books that I totally adore, Artemis Fowl. He's a genius.
6 · Classical music: my mum is a piano teacher and I went to a music school in primary and almost the whole secundary. At that moment I wasn't really pleased by having another responsability, but now that I've grown up I'm thankful for the opportunity that I had. Music is something that goes with you everywhere, something that you never forget.
7 · Chocolate: I prefer to eat it during winter or fall, because the heat drains my wish to live, but I love it ♥ x2 if I count ljmoony Girugamesh fanfic. Awesome ♥ and so sweet.
8 · Coast: I miss spending summers in the seaside. The wind, the water... definitely not the sun nor the mosquitoes.
9 · Camui Gackt: sorry, I couldn't resist when I realized I could name Gackt as well ♥ ♥ ♥. No further explanation needed.
10 · Coffee: my vital fluid. I like more when it comes from real beans and it isn't instant, but it's better than nothing. God spare me if it's so cheap that it's acid, it makes me sick.

Stolen from ljmoony ;D.

Name: Nicole
Birthday: July 14th, 1988.
City: like my hometown? No way in hell I'm writing that. I live at Buenos Aires, that I can say.
Province: Buenos Aires.


Have you ever
******************
Been Kissed: No.
Done drugs: No.
Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: Mh... I guess I did at some point in my life, before I stopped eating meat, because Oreos's got bovine fat and they're way out of my territory right now.
Eaten sushi?: Yes. I almost throw up, ugh. Disgusting. It was six years ago, though. I guess I could taste vegetarian sushi.
Been onstage: Yes, I used to play in a orchestra.
Been dumped: No.
Has anyone ever been unfaithful to u?: No.
Gotten in a car accident: Yes, when I was like 2 years old. It was New Year's Eve and I was in the car with my mum when a bus hit us from behind. Luckily we both made it with just scratches and a headache.
Watched Punky Brewster: guess not.
Watched the Smurfs: wut?
Hiked a mountain: does a hill count as a mountain? In that case, yes. If not, then no. Duh.
Stayed home on a Saturday night, just because: that's what I usually do.
Seen the White House: nope. And it's not in my list of to-do-before-I-die stuff.


Either/Or
******************
Cold or hot: Cold.
Lace or Satin: Satin, I guess. Don't like either of them, actually.
Blue or Red: Red.
Rain or snow: Rain.
Give or receive: Both.
Wool or cotton: Cotton.
Rose or daisy: Rose.
Private school or public school: Very much the same thing. A nightmare, that is.
Chocolate milk or plain milk: Chocolate milk.
Celsius or Fahrenheit: Celsius.
Spring or fall?: Fall.
History or Science?: Science, a million times.
Math or English: English. I like Math too, though. I'm just not so familiar with it since 3 years ago XD so...
Alternative or Country: Alternatiiive! Ugh, Country (we're talking about music, right?).


Opposite sex
******************
Do you like someone right now from the opposite sex?: No.
Do they know?: er, no? They don't exit :D.
Does anybody like you right now?: Not that I know.
What do you look for in a woman/man?: Intelligence calls my attention a lot, but so does looks. I'll explain further, but it's pointless, since I don't go out enough to meet someone.


Your Friends
******************
Who's your funniest friend?: fuckantastic , we don't talk really often but God. She's hilarious.
Who makes you laugh/smile the most?: now, that's hard. All of them do. I don't have so many, so.
Who do you e-mail the most?: ljmoony . This past week I couldn't write to her and I felt I was missing something. We're so disgusting ♥.
Who's the loudest?: I don't if I can consider my sister as a friend, but she is indeed loud.
Who's the shyest?: ljmoony , for some things (like, saying no to people~).
Whose parents do you know the best?: I guess Claudia's. She was the only one I got to know enough to speak with her parents on a regular basis. Don't know if I can count her anymore, though.
Who are you jealous of?: nobody in particular, just of people who can afford buying brand new books and notebooks and stuff and still doesn't approve tests because they're lazy and don't use what they've got.
Who has the best room?: ljmoony and fuckantastic .
Would you ever go out with one of your friends?: I don't have male friends. So, no.


Within the last 24 hours
******************
Had a serious talk?: not. I was too busy studying my eyes out.
Hugged someone?: my sister and my mum.
Gotten along with your parents?: yeah, why not. I'm such a role model after all.
Fought with a friend?: no.


Do you like to
******************
Give hugs?: To some people. I'm exclusive ;D.
Give backrubs?: To my sister.
Take walks in the rain?: yeah ♥ I couldn't this past weekend though, I was... studying. Yeah.
What color is your floor/carpet in your room?: some very dirt and washed variety of gray.
What was the last CD you bought?: Gackt's Crescent ♥. It isn't the japanese edition, though, so I wasn't pleased by buying it, but couldn't return it. I'm planing to buy it again. I just have bad luck *sigh*.
If you chew gum, what kind?: fruits.
What did u do last summer?: I went to give ljmoony a surprise ♥.


About You
******************
Gender: female.
Age: 21.
Nicknames: Prongs, Nico, Nicky, "Ore-sama" (my sister and I like to joke impersonating Atobe sometimes, especially when we got good results at school/college).
Haircolor: Dark brown, but I dyed it red, then light brown.
EyeColor: Brown
Skintone: White? Just normal.
Any birthmarks?: mh... no. I think. I don't really pay attention.


Which one of your Friends?
******************
Is most likely to grow up to be a model: I don't think any of them wants to be one.
Which one knows most about you: ljmoony .
Is most likely to become a comedian: fuckantastic and all of her personalities ♥.
Have you known the longest: that is currently my friend, ljmoony .
You know most about: don't know. I don't know myself, I don't think I know someone else very much. My friends included.
Closest friends: ljmoony , fuckantastic , fictional_shade , and... I ran out of friends XD.
Most likely to end up in jail: hopefully none of them o_o.


Favorites...
******************
Food: POTATO CHIPS! They're my doom.
T.V.Show: House M.D. (can I name a few more? XD Criminal Minds, C.S.I., Law and Order: SVE, So You Think You Can Dance...).
Drink: water? pear juice?
Movie: mh... Legally Blonde, How to lose a guy in 10 days, Bruce Almighty, The Da Vinci Code, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers, Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, Ice Age, and all Disney classics. I can't pick. They're pretty different.
Actor: Hugh Laurie ♥. The guy is a genious.
Actress: huh. Since no name comes to my mind, I guess none =D.
Restaurant: I don't like to eat outside.
Place to be: my room.
Song: Last Song, Gackt. It tears me open, especially the unplugged version. And lives.
Sport: swimming. And biking it's nice, too.
Color: red and shocking pink. And purple.
Candy: chooocoolaaateee~


Have you Ever
******************
Been to a concert: Yes, haha. Classical music, a bunch of times.
Been in a different country: Yes, I live in one, actually.
Loved someone so much it made you cry: Not really.
Cheated on a test: Just once. A History one, at primary school. The boy I liked at that time answered half of my exam for me and I did the same for him.
Smoked: No.
Stole from somewhere or someone: No.
Played strip poker: No, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA XD.


Love
******************
Single or taken: single.
If single, are you looking for someone?: I guess so.
Have you had a lot of bf's/gf's: Not even one.
Have you ever had an online relationship?: Yes. When I was... twelve? He was so sweet.
Longest relationship?: I think we lasted 3 years or so. The online relationship, that is.


Others
******************
What is your worst habit: touching my nose constantly when I'm nervous.
What gets you really mad: lies. Hypocrite people.
Scariest moment: when I couldn't breathe some years ago. My throat used to close all of a sudden because of a disease I'd got and I remember being completely still, waiting for the air to fill my lungs starting to burn, my heart beating madly. It was scary, pretty much.
Happiest moment: don't know.
Do you curse too much: a lot, must of it just written.
What do you feel about homosexuals: I am obsessed with theeem *O*.
Would you ever be a homosexual: I'm not closed to love a woman, but the fact that a woman's body doesn't turn me on kind of tells me I won't be. I like MEEEEN *drools*, like him. Gorgeous, GRR!
Do u dress like a slut/prep/snob/sporty/or just plain normal: Normal.
Are you a hottie with a body or a cutie with a booty: HAHAHAHAHAAHA. I think neither.
When was the last time you showered?: this morning.
What color pants do you have right now?: grey, with stripes.
What color underwear do you have right now?: white with purple flowers.
What song are you listening to right now?: Raize, Inoran.
What is the last thing that you said?: Good night, to my sister.
What is right next to you?: Krory, my dog.
What is your computer desk made of?: wood.
What are the last 4 digits in your phone number?: ... 3258.
What was the last thing you ate?: tomatoes.
If you were a crayon, what color would you be?: black?
Who do you want to spend the rest of your life with?: my mum and my sister.
Do you have a lava lamp?: no, I'd like to though. They're cool.
How many buddies do you have on your list?: er, I don't have a list?
How's the weather right now?: really nice. Not very hot, not very cold.
What did you do last night?: I watched So you think you can dance, then study till 2 am, then go to bed.
Last person that you talked to on the phone?: Miyuki.
What's the nicest thing you find about the opposite sex?: eyes and lips.
Who do you admire most?: Gackt.
What is the nicest present you've gotten this year?: a purple scarf ljmoony 's mum sent me. It's really comfy and warm.
How do you eat an OREO: I don't. Just don't.
Fav M&M?: I don't like them.
What makes you happy?: right now? SLEEPING. I'm so worn out.
Fave CD?: Century Child by Nightwish. Just not to name a Gackt's one, because I'm disguuusssting and I like all of his work and I can't name just one (I'd say Crescent and MOON, though).
Who are you thinking of right now?: no one really.
If you could go anywhere in the world right now where would you go?: London, Paris, Rome, Tokyo, Kyoto, Hong Kong, Shanghai, Seul.
Do you want to have kids when you grow up?: yeah. Twins would be nice.
What do you want to name your children?: I hope they're boys because I can't really choose girl's names, they're all seem plain to me or ugly, or extremely used. Last name is important, I mean, you can't name your son Draco López (rip), so it has go to with it. You don't want to ruin the poor creature life :D. I like a lot of males names, but just can't remember any right now. My braincells are dead.
Who means the most to you in your life right now?: mum and my sister.
Height?: 1.78 m.
Weight?: mh... *stares at herself* I think 68 kg, if I'm lucky. I should go to see my weight soon, I feel I should cut out sweets for a while.
Are you a meany?: sometimes.

Yeah, I know it's not November yet. I had a hunch that I wasn't going to hold for that long. I'd be lying if I say I didn't think about posting at all. Mostly nonsense, though. Sailor Moon stuff, some nocturnal ramblings... no big deal. I'd be lying if I say I've been studying all the time too. So, let's not lie, 'cause I hate lies, and just get to the point.

I've just watched the first chapter of House. Sixth season. Kind of late, but this is Latin America after all, so actually I'm thankful I don't have to wait anymore instead of angry because I've been reading spoilers online since a month and a half ago.

It was a two hours episode. Really intense. I'm not going to tell anything specific, just that... I was puzzled half of the time. And the other half laughing. Hard. Good thing there were funny parts, otherwise I think I'd ended up feeling drained and tired, just like him.

At the end I couldn't help but notice House's suitcase. It was almost identical to one my dad had a long time ago, when we still lived with him. I used to see it everytime he had to travel for work. So then my brain, for the first time ever, saw all the picture. A smart man being miserable who pushes everybody away...

Dad.

Dad. He isn't a doctor, but he wanted to. He couldn't study Medicine because he had no money and his pride get in the way when one of his brothers offered him to pay for his career. Sure, he isn't House, but he can be almost as much of a jerk as him and has the same social abilities than him- non existent. He had a nice and loving family, but he ignored it until he lost it. And it was too late then for making amends. And I know that, even when I'm pursuing his own dream, we will never get along well. Because I got from him my people charm or so it seems. So, every time we talk, we barely say something at all. We barely listen to one another, we... betsuni.

I'm not sad. I'm just overwhelmed. And it's a lie too. Saying that being a doctor it's his dream. Somewhere along the way it became mine as well... I'd like to know how. I just can't see myself doing anything else. I grew up with all my family looking at me with expecting eyes, maybe that's how.

I just... hope that somewhere along the way I can gain the confidence I need to do all this too.

There're so many things going on inside my head right now.

Funny thing I woke up with wide eyes at six thirty today, having just one simple thought in mind.

Which was the cofactor of the Glutamate Dehydrogenase!?! Was it NAD(P)+? Or... fuck.

This is, or at least it is supposed to be, my last post until November. Exams are less than a month away and I need to study for real. I've been procrastinating quite often.

It's the end of the year and I'm wondering what the hell happened to the rest of it. I'm wondering what I've been doing as well, but that's difficult to explain. I know I've been studying, my scores tend to say that too, but somehow... it doesn't seem much. Doesn't help with the emptiness I keep carrying and this freaking I-don't-know-what-it-is similar to depression. I'm better, I think. At least I don't expect to magically meet someone who can comply with this and I'm not complaining either. Gackt's words helped me a lot. I feel more relaxed in a way. I don't punch myself mentally anymore for being like this, I just think this is my life and the only thing I really can control is my way of living it. Maybe I'll never be a smiling person, even when I silently admire those who can express joy and share it like that, but I won't be sad all the time either. Not anymore. My mood swings are still hard to handle, but I see them as a challenge now. If I let them rule me, it's just because I don't want to make an effort. It's so easy to allow the sorrow or whatever dark emotion you name to do all the work for you. To live, that is. To feel you're walking in the world, to feel you're breathing.

Ha. I just wanted to comment something a Biochemistry teacher said to us today and I ended up writing whatever came to my mind. He said scores are important because when we finish our career, we still aren't doctors. We're just ready to start learning how to be a real one and in order to achieve that we need someone experienced by our side. Meaning, an instructed, older doctor, in a clinic or hospital. And the way to get into a good clinic/hospital is through good scores. I couldn't help but feel proud, for the first time in... I don't know really. I felt I was going somewhere. He kept talking about next year afterwards. And while he was at it, I felt funny. It was like I've just realized how important next year is. How near I am of seeing the core of Medicine (Pharmacology, Pathology, etcetera).

I'd wish I had a bit of spare time, though I doubt I could do something with it. Probably I'd just sleep it off.

I don't know what the hell is going on but I have a new idea~ I need to write something!

But, first I have to finish with college stuff... tsk...

I was cheking new entries at dears, which I really don't do very often and I curse myself for it now, hahaha.

I feel ashamed for being such a wimp. I've been so lost lately than even hearing him wasn't helping at all. I was freaking out for real because music had become just... a way of covering the mess that I am/was (don't know anymore).

Reading him in a language I can understand, for a change, made a lot. I'll try to remember this next time I need to laugh instead of just grieve for everything.

Arigatou gozaimasu, Gackt-dono ♥.

( Gackt's blog entry 09.18 )

We were walking through the Atacama Desert, I think my sister was younger than she is now. My parents were younger too. It was almost like the old times when we went on vacations to the beach and my dad drove an hour in the highway, through the desert, to get to our destination. This time we didn't reach the sea, though. There were some weird animal paintings in the sand and mum said she wanted to talk with the lady who made them. The woman had a daughter and I guess that's why I missed my sister from the view. I kept on walking with dad, grabbing his hand, thinking how strange it was to be that way with him after all the time that had passed. At some point he wasn't there anymore, and I was inside some empty warehouse. There was a man laying in the ground and a woman watching him intently. I approached to them and got my hands on some electric devise, saying after analyzing it, "it won't work, it doesn't have enough voltage. I need something else". The woman looked up, making a pause as she stared at me and the man who was listening as well, "can you do it more than one time then? It should be enough that way". We were talking about killing the man. It didn't affect me in any way, I was pretty calm actually, and just answered, "I don't want him to suffer. A quick death will be better". Said man looked at me, as calm as I was. His eyes were shining, but it wasn't due to fear, it was more like resignation or pride. The woman nodded and I got up. While I was walking searching for a knife, a gun or something, I remember I thought, "why am I worrying about him? Even if he doesn't feel pain when I kill him, he'll die. Am I just trying to spare myself of the guilt?". I realized that, in the best of the cases, it was both. I didn't want to cause him pain, but at the same time I didn't want to carry such a heavy burden-- to cruelly kill someone.

When I woke up, I still could feel the wires of that devise in my fingers. I find it funny, because you can't say I've been watching too much CSI lately. I haven't watched the show in ages! Therefore, the dream was purely a creation of my twisted mind.

At least I don't recall killing the man. That would've been creepy.

Watch it. It's a MUST.
Y pim pam, cambié de acera~

Robado de ljmoony .

Admito que soy: muy cascarrabias.
Admito que me gusta: mirar el vacío, incluso en silencio.
Admito que en mi casa: me siento asfixiada por la presencia de mi abuela y mi mamá.
Admito que tengo: frecuentes dolores de estómago, quizá debido a nervios. Quizá debido a mi obstinación en seguir una dieta vegetariana.
Admito que me encanta: hablar con mi hermana cuando está de buen humor.
Admito que no tengo: un lugar adonde ir si quiero gritar o llorar.
Admito que lo que más me fascina es: sentirme útil (doesn't happen very often).
Admito que siempre voy: con el bolso tan cargado que tengo miedo que se rompa.
Admito que antes: no podía ni abrir la boca para decir hola si había más de 5 personas juntas.
Admito que no sé: qué significa ser normal.
Admito que no sabía: organizarme, y vivía pensando que no tenía tiempo para nada.
Admito que últimamente: lo que más disfruto es dormir.
Admito que me fijo mucho en: la cara de la gente por las mañanas.
Admito que soy afortunado en: la oportunidad de estudiar aquí.
Admito que amo: el olor del manga recién comprado.
Admito que mi mamá: está demasiado irritable y me vuelve loca.
Admito que mi hermana/o: me quiere tanto que no entiendo por qué.
Admito que estoy esperando: que mamá consiga trabajo.
Admito que me comí: la mitad de un paquete de galletas, un trocito de pastel de ricota y un trocito de un ¿pastel relleno de dulce de leche? cubierto de chocolate.
Admito que ayer: me reí mucho en clase.
Admito que hoy: quise desaparecer.
Admito que mañana: me va a resultar tan difícil como mover una montaña ponerme a estudiar.
Admito que me da bronca: que mi hermana se duerma tan tarde y después duerma siesta 4 horas.
Admito que me río: cuando los profesores nos tratan como idiotas, pero en buena onda (?).
Admito que mis amigos/as: me hacen la vida más fácil.
Admito que no me gusta: llamar la atención.
Admito que soy fan: de Super Junior, aunque no pueda escuchar ninguno de sus discos sin morirme de aburrimiento.
Admito que todos los días yo: intento relajarme, y sonreír por menos.
Admito que lloro cuando: ya no puedo guardarme las cosas más.
Admito que lo más importante en mi vida es/son: no molestar a mi familia ni a mis amigos y estudiar.
Admito que nunca perdonaría: que le hicieran daño a alguien que amo.
Admito que prefiero: quedarme en cama mirando el techo que salir y mezclarme con la gente de afuera.
Admito que estoy escuchando: X Japan.
Admito que antes de irme a dormir yo: me saco el maquillaje y me limpio el rostro con una solución con ácido salicílico que es maravillosa para que no salgan granos pero que duele terriblemente si tienes alguno.
Admito que no soporto: hablar con mi abuela. Me repele.
Admito que yo hago: todo lo que puedo, pero siempre pienso que no es suficiente.
Admito que me va muy mal: cuando hay que hablar de política, historia o economía.
Admito que no sobreviviría sin: mi hermana, mi perro y mi mamá.
Admito que me relaja: escuchar música.
Admito que estoy: haciendo tiempo porque no quiero irme a dormir y despertarme después sabiendo que tengo que estudiar.

I was thinking about posting in Spanish from time to time, because sometimes after reading a bunch of medical stuff one realizes that your vocabulary's become very rich in technical terms but very poor off-- well, all the rest.

What exactly made me decline that idea? Basically, I remembered one time I had a blog. Somehow, all of my class, including our teacher, found out about it. It was hard, I don't want to talk about it, but what I can say is something my teacher said, a woman that I respected a lot back then, a woman that was kind of a model to me when it came to literature, "I knew it was you since the first sentence, so I'm not going to ask if you wrote what was in there or not. There's something in your writing that is unmistakable. You should be proud. I think you did nothing wrong. You were just writing about things as you see them."

I think that was the only time I've cried in front of someone that wasn't my mum over something I did. That's not the point anyway, what I wanted to say is that I find writing in my own language dangerous. You can say I'm paranoid, because nobody cares about me enough to google me or something like that, but... I just don't feel comfortable anymore. I find it useless, too. Having so much freedom to write what's in my head would be... not really something that's worth to read. I don't know what is going on in there anymore. If I ever knew it at all, that is.

I've had a couple of really wasted days. But I can't get myself to do something. Last night I slept 12 hours, almost the double that I'm used to. And tonight at 10 o'clock I was feeling sleepy already. It disgusts me, I don't understand because I eat properly, so it's not something metabolic. And the other thing that could be... I don't want to think about it.

Anyway. I suppose I should've warned you about not making sense.

I'm wondering if I ever did.

Yeah, I know. The layout is a bit rough, but it took me all mourning to be happy enough with it to upload it. So here it is. I couldn't stand the previous one anymore. I've changed the icons too, because I was sick of the others. I mean, I loved them all, but I used them for way too long.

I think that's it. I should be studying, but I'm really tired. Maybe later...

I woke up really early today, thought I could study a bit and then do nothing. I ended up just doing the later. I don't regret it, I knew if I tried my mind just wouldn't focus on anything. It was too deep in contemplation of itself.

I don't hate myself, I just don't freaking understand myself. Therefore, when something's going on inside I tend to avoid it. Studying, reading, writing if I can gather the words the way I want.

Today I remembered I have started a Girugamesh fanfic a long time ago - I mean, for real, I had the file since April in my PC-. It wasn't finished, so I opened it, thinking I would either complete it or erase it. While I read through in order to do so or at least try to continue it, I realized just how much of myself was in there and just how little of Girugamesh. I felt disgusted.

It wasn't Satoshi worried and feeling lost, it was me. Every thought I wrote, was my own. I wasn't playing a character anymore, I was... letting out things that shouldn't be used for a fanfic. I guess I noticed it before- I mean, on April, while I was writing it, but at that time I didn't care. I thought I had the right to write whatever the hell I wanted, because there's a lot of junk everywhere, and mine was really nothing compared to that.

Now I'm not quite sure. I haven't deleted it yet, but I know I will eventually.

One thing that really bothers me like hell is, why do I write romantic stuff? I've never been in love. All of a sudden, I feel so weird trying to write about something I have never felt.

But then again, generally speaking, I feel weird most of the time.

Back on track. I'm not particularly in the mood for posting, although there are a few things I'd like to comment with you guys. I just cannot bring myself to do it yet. I was thinking about doing it, to finally spit it out, however the mere idea almost made me cry. And you know how hard that is. I mean, I'm not a rock anymore, but bursting into tears in the bus back home was pathetic enough without me truly doing it. I don't like the word pity, nor the feelings that come with it. So I swallowed it, as usual.

The month of vacations I had because of the swine flu passed by too quickly. Before I knew it, I was back at college, realizing my depression or whatever the hell it was/is took just too much time. I was so nervous about failing my subjects. I don't have all the results yet, but I'm sure I passed everything just fine. Perhaps not so fine as the last time, detail that sure bothers me. But truth is I'm human and even with a bunch of 10's, I'd be just as I am now. Feeling completely empty.

Sadly, numbers can't change the way you look at yourself. That is what I have learned. And I think you get it too well, ljmoony .

I'm obsessed with this aria, by the way:

It'd been a while since the last time I really longed for just one thing. To disappear.

I wanted to be alone, completely alone. I needed peace to study because I've been zooming out too much lately, but nobody gave a damn about that. And actually, neither did I. I was planning to study because that's my duty, the only thing I can do to feel worthy enough. Of what? I don't know. Of breathing, perhaps. Somehow every time I get down enough I have troubles breathing. This time I didn't, so I know I haven't reached the bottom yet. That's comforting, though I'd rather know something more useful like what the hell is wrong with me.

Uh, I'm rambling - what a shock -. I was talking about yesterday. Out of frustration I ended up on my sister's bed in the middle of the darkness, wishing for the house to have some secret place where I could hide to pull my hair, bite my lips or anything. Alone. That was the key.

Obviously, that place didn't magically appeared. Therefore my mum found me and approached gently to me, asking me what was wrong. I wanted to say, "I don't freaking know", but couldn't manage to face it. So I said, "I don't want to study in the living room, you're all there. I can't study here because there's not enough light or a table to work on it. My head hurts. Just leave me alone."

She tried to cheer me up, unsuccessfully. Every word she said just enraged me more, because I was making a scene over nothing, because I was making her feel responsible of my state of mind, as always. I craved for a door that led me to somewhere. Anywhere but there with her, some far away land where I wouldn't have to worry about saddening her (too many dead ends I see).

"So you're tired of us", she said at some point. I shook my head while cursing myself inside, "That's not it. I just have a bad headache. And I don't have swine flu, leave me."

My head still hurts, but I fortunately can blame work for it. That's not important anyway. My mum left me then and I realized I was hearing something in my mind. A song. It puzzled me the accuracy with which I could recall it. I finally understood why I like it so much. And the sound was more than welcome, because I didn't want to hear my own thoughts but I couldn't bring myself to look for my mp4 either. I couldn't move, didn't want to. Didn't want to remember I existed at all. That's why I spend so many time reading fantasy, now that I think about it. As if that'll help me to accept myself. All that it does is to dull me. But I guess that's good enough. That's what I want, at the moment.

I'd elaborate further, but this is something I have to deal privately.

(Black oceans beneath come and swallow me).

P.S.: this crap is on hiatus from now on, until I disgust myself a bit less. I have to study anyway. I won't be online either. There's no use.

Ah. Such a non-productive/peaceful day. I don't know why I keep writing like someone else than my friends reads this nonsence, but what the hell. Guess that's the point of having a journal.

I made more icons. Just because.

( Gackt icons, obviously )

And I uploaded some songs from Spider-man 2 OST (and I even ripped them myself, omg). I was feeling quite nostalgic and just couldn't shake it off. The music helped, though it makes me remind things I shouldn't be remembering. It feels like this time is different, if you catch what I'm implying. This time I'm just remembering, not thinking I've failed.

Life does go on, after all. Believe or not, you can live without things you thought were like oxygen for you.

These songs aren't quite my cup of tea musically speaking, but the lyrics transmit so much to me. And I think that's what make a song a good one. Now that I think about it, that's the principle I've been using to choose songs to post anyway. So scratch this.

Somebody else by Bleu

( It's okay to be just me )

Ordinary by Train

( Can you save me from this world of mine )

Hold on by Jet

( For you to belong to... )

Well, enough, I'm stopping right here. I could upload almost every single song of this OST. I'm disgusting.

I'm bored. Don't have the exam this Friday. So here you go. This is almost cheating because I only used... 3 pictures? If I can find HQ screencaps of Flower I'll remake Gackt ones. But God, I couldn't wait, I had to do something with that face.

( No teaser, I'm lazy )